Imperious Entertainment
You are here: Home
Blogs Relationship Wars You Say She’s Just a Friend: Why True Platonic Friendship Doesn’t Exist by Drew Stewart | You Say She’s Just a Friend: Why True Platonic Friendship Doesn’t Exist by Drew Stewart |
|
|
|
| Written by Drew Stewart | |
| Saturday, 07 June 2008 | |
Fortunately, for most of us, the deep-seeded feelings of attraction to our opposite sex friends will never rise to the surface. But please believe the attraction is there, brewing beneath the surface. And if you think it’s not, that just means that it’s probably your friend that is secretly attracted to you. I am convinced that a sexual attraction is at the root of all male-female friendships (I’m not talking about acquaintances, but close friends). And for most men, the thought that we could be chillin, watching a DVD together with our BFF one second and slapping bellies the next is always lurking somewhere in the hidden recesses of our minds. This is why men hate to see their women maintain a relationship with an old male “friend” —especially if their woman is empirically attractive. All men seem to understand one simple law of nature that many women seem to want to ignore: NO heterosexual man initiates, nurtures, and maintains a relationship with an attractive woman without thinking about what it’d be like to have sex with her. And if the optimal situation presents itself, he’ll pounce.
Now, there are many people who think men and women can be friends without having any sexual attraction to each other (usually naïve women, because us men know how we think about our female friends). To them, I pose this question. If you are in a serious relationship, how would you feel about your significant other spending just one hour a day on the phone talking to their “best friend”? Or reminiscing about the past over a dinner for two every month? Or what about the two of them going to see a movie together? Would it be ok if they invited you each time, but you were busy? Would it be ok if they were married too and their spouse didn’t mind? Comments
(14)
 written by CHRIS , September 14, 2007
I have spent alot of time thinking about this in the past, and I have come to a few conclusions.
1. Physical attraction is a factor in same sex friendships AND mixed-sex friendships. In my observations and experiences with groups of women friends, flirty behavior, roundabout admissions of attraction (the innocent comment about your friend's body, some people's outright declaration that they only hang out with "pretty" girls, etc.), and in some cases, lesbian activities (kissing, touching, etc.), all support my opinion that women are oftentimes physically attracted to their female friends. And we physically and verbally express these feelings openly and consistently. (maybe not aggressively, but definitely consistently) 2. So, simply stated, there is no such thing as a platonic friendship (Even Plato, for whom the platonic friendship was named, was having homo sex with his male students and teachers). The type and degree of attraction can and will factor into the friendship. This "fact of life" can be disappointing and cause a loss of respect for friendships in general, but maybe all is not lost because.... 3. We ultimately shape and define our friendships and relationships. We can decide, I think my homegirl is cute, but I ain't gone holla. I respect our friendship and her value as a human being (which transcends the unstable social construction of gender and its expectations) Even if no one else believes you, it doesn't matter because you don't have to explain the innerworkings of your friendships to the rest of society. I read this book by Pearl Cleage, I Wish I Had a Red Dress, and she eloquently describes a friendship between the main character, a woman, and her friendship with a married man (the wife was cool with it). And it worked. It can happen. Especially when we define our own relationships and not limit ourselves with other people's ideas of proper social behavior. We can live outside the box. (Think about who created this box...nuff said)
Yes platonic relationships exist. I agree that sexual tension is always there-- at least in one of the parties. All of my female friends seem to either be attracted to me to a slight degree or I'm attracted to them. However, this sexual tension does not mean the death of the friendship. A friend of the opposite sex and I have been cool as all hell for the past 3 years. Yeah, she and I hooked up during the first year after one too many shots of tequila but we were back to being buddies as if nothing happened. Lately, all we are now is friends and nothing more since we got that little sexual tension out the way years ago. I would say our friendship is 98% of our relationship now so the almost non-existence 2% of sexual tension is so discreet, it's almost safe to say we have a true platonic relationship
"All men seem to understand one simple law of nature that many women seem to want to ignore: NO heterosexual man initiates, nurtures, and maintains a relationship with an attractive woman without thinking about what it’d be like to have sex with her. And if the optimal situation presents itself, he’ll pounce."
I categorically disagree with this statement. That is not a law of nature. Everything we are talking about here is a construction. Manhood, womanhood, friendship, relationship, beauty, and even heterosexuality. What our society has viewed as "natural" for men and women to do has changed dramatically over the years. I say make your own rules. That is all.
to the brother who wanted advice, i'd say test the waters... if you're interested in a relationship....
get her opinion on the subject... maybe start by referring her to Drew's interesting article... shameless plug for the site never hurt anyone did it?
I couldn't agree more. 100 percent. haha. I love the harry and sally part. very true. nothing to fear about it, its just truth. If you have a best friend of the opposite sex, and u are compatible and sexually attracted, marry them instead of your current mate. lol
This article is amazing...AGAIN Drew!
When I looked at the movie (which is my ABSOLUTE favorite) initially, I didn't agree with the statement about the inevitability of the sexual tension in any male-female relationship (work, friend, otherwise...). But after further disucssions, arguements, debates, etc., I reassessed the issue and determined that...there is no denying anatomical outcries that each party can undoubtedly feel resonating when you are near each other. I reduce this to a matter of biology because a woman's body truly can sense the signals emitted from the male that she is near. We can all try and lie but the pheremones feel each other and start to perculate... We may never act on these feelings but there is no denying that they indeed exist very strongly.
I can say, however, that I've never had a problem with my partner being on an outing with their friend who is of the opposite sex...in this same right, I've never dated a man who has a best friend that is a girl. I think you find the reverse much more often (i.e. the woman who has a male best friend...I do).
Lots of thoughts on this issue but it boils down to....YES. Men and women who are close share some sort of sexual tension... Wonderful Drew...KUDOS!
P.S. Not to sound to intimate but LADIES:
You know that at a certain time, when you may be uncomfortable, wearing sweatpants, feeling bloated, and thinking that you're looking a mess, droves of men flock to you like you are the size 6 girl wearing the latest YSL fitted black gown...WHY? Because physically our bodies send out an exponentiall amount of those normal emissions. The guy has no clue why he is finding you increasingly irresistable as you walk down the street or exit the gym but you notice his tongue practically dangling from his lips, lol
I agree with the article. Close Male-female friendships are never usually completely platonic. Well, in my experience, anyway.... I don't think I've ever had a close guy friend that wasn't attracted to me... :-)
I agree. And it's rather sad that some people- particulary females like you said- illusion themselves into believing otherwise. It's easier to look ahead at the situation at onset so that you really know what you're getting yourself into. I've forwarded this to a friend of mine who needs to read it, maybe now she'll begin to see it's a common notion.
 written by s.ray , September 16, 2007
I think that is possible for a WOMAN to have a cross-sex friendship without experiencing/noticing any sexual tension. I have quite a few friendships with the opposite sex. I have no sexual or dating interest in the vast majority of these friendships. Overall, I view most of my male friends as though they were my brother. The suggestion of sex with them grosses me out. That being said...
I believe it is more difficult for a MAN to have a strictly platonic relationship with a woman. Most men think, crave, and dream of sex for the majority of their lives. I would find it only natural that given this continuous "state of mind" that men would be more prone to view their female counterparts in a sexual (inappropriate?) light. That being said... I've always grounded all of my own romantic relationships on TRUST (whoa! whatever happened to that concept). Generally, I don't have a problem with a guy I am dating hanging out with female friends. Especially because I know that I have friendships with the opposite sex which from my perspective are strictly platonic. However, I will become skeptical of what appears to be a platonic relationship if something happens that gives me a reason to. Even more, all parties involved can generally sense when a cross-sex relationship has gone to far. noirlove.blogspot.com
I don't know drew, I think I maintain friendships w/ women I'm not attracted to pretty well without crossing that boundary.
Good question, I've often wondered the same thing. At one point, I thought it was possible, but now it leaves me feeling its not possible. Or, you know what maybe, at first its starts out being possible, the one may start feeling closer and closer to the other. Now, not only are they feeling this is someone that's cool, I have fun with, and plus we can talk about anything and then maybe they start to desire to take it futher...Isn't it funny, and I've observed this because I believe most people at one point or another have had this type of encounter...But...Isn't it funny how one person within the relationship, or sometimes both may talk or date several others, and its seems like one person may slow down or not talk to too may people(just content, really respecting the relationship for what it is), and that person is the listener to the bad or crazy experiences the other person is having-and 9 times out of 10 is also the one who secretly starts to want to be with the other person....Its seems this happens time and time again, and leaves me feeling can it ever be possible?
Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.       |
|
| Last Updated ( Saturday, 07 June 2008 ) |
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
Subscribe
Subscribe to our free week in review newsletter. The "name" field is optional.
Do the Right Thing
Here lies the "Do the Right Thing" poster to remind people what they're supposed to do.
THANX!!