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Blogs Relationship Wars I’M NOT A HOE, I’M JUST ACTING LIKE ONE! by Tamerri Ater | I’M NOT A HOE, I’M JUST ACTING LIKE ONE! by Tamerri Ater |
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| Written by Tamerri | |
| Wednesday, 01 August 2007 | |
Most people agree that Don Imus calling talented, hard-working college students, “Nappy headed hoes” was beyond appalling and offensive. I’ll never forgive him for that! But let’s keep it real, HOES DO EXIST! These are the women that make it hard for classy, self-respecting women to be treated with respect. Rappers didn’t just wake up one day and decide to start calling women hoes for no reason. Rap lyrics are typically a reflection of the conditions in which the artists have been bred. If an artist is rapping about shootings and killings, it’s usually because he or she has lived it or that’s the environment they grew up in….unless he’s a Wangsta. So it SHOULD follow that if a rapper is talking about hoes in a song, it is probably a reflection of how some women act around him. We all know how groupies get down…..Now let me make my usual DISCLAIMER: There are many instances where rappers just throw the word hoe around because they think its cool and/or they have no respect for women in general. These are not the rappers I’m talking about. I’m NOT giving men a pass to call women hoes.
Some women may argue that the 21st century, for lack of a better term, I’ll refer to it as “looseness,” some women possess is a response to centuries of male dominance and female discrimination. Rappers like Lil’ Kim and Trina, have not only garnered the attention of a male audience, but an even larger female audience who bump lyrics like “I’m not the one you sleep with, to eat quick, want a cheap chick betta go down to freaknik. You gotta hit me off, buy this girl gifts of course, so I look slick in my 6 with my Christian Lacroix.” Now, last time I checked Christian Lacroix wasn’t cheap. So in other words, if you break me off enough dough to buy these things, you’re welcome in my bed. With all due respect to Lil' Kim, I don’t condone promiscuity and would never promote her sexual lyrics as a way to live life. Some may argue that these lyrics empower women because they are “getting” something for having sex instead of having men use them for free. I’m all for women’s rights and our progression, but becoming more “loose” about the way we dress, who we sleep with, etc. only sets us back, ESPECIALLY when we are willing to do it for money. Again, a whore is “a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.” If you want to be “loose” and go outside dressed like a prostitute or sleep around (for money/to catch a baller) because “you are not bound by barriers men put on your sexuality”, you are contributing to our depiction as sexual objects. Being “loose” about the way you dress and who you give your body to, does not free you. IT OBJECTIFIES YOU. DISCLAIMER #2: Just because you dress provocatively doesn’t make you a hoe by definition; it does not mean you deserve to be called out of your name, harassed, or worse, raped. But, acknowledge what uniform you are wearing and how people respond to uniforms in certain situations. (i.e. Police Officer, Fireman, etc.) I believe there are several theory’s to why some women lose their self-respect. Maybe they are looking for men to replace the void of their estranged father, maybe her parents were too strict, or maybe she was ignored her entire childhood and thinks using her body is the only way to get men. However, I think the single most important factor to how a woman will carry herself is how her mother carries herself. I cannot emphasize this more…If a little girl grows up seeing her mother with a different guy every night, dressing provocatively, and letting men run all over her, chances are she will follow in her footsteps. So, while I definitely want to hold the rappers that use the word hoe when referring to women in general accountable for their words, we as women have an enormous amount of power in helping to stop the word from being used to describe us as a group. It can be mentoring a little girl that may be on the wrong path, or making a vow that you will never parade around half-naked in a music video so little girls will not think this is what they have to look and dress like to attract the opposite sex or for someone to like them. We as women must have boundaries. There needs to be certain things we vow never to do. Comments
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Good Article. But what about "Now I ain't saying she a golddigger, but she ain't messin' wit no broke broke". Do you expect these women to dress like school girls and attract a "baller" who may save their lives (financially)? Also, a wise man once said, "The power of the p-u-s-s-y,that's why every motherfucker in the world dress fly, every baller that can afford it, they cop the best ride, for the power of the p-u-s-s-y!" Sometimes there is power in dressing provocatively and flirting, but you're right, hold out on the sex or you're doomed. Self-control is key.
I wish i could meet a women that thinks like you. I try to explan to women that they need to place higher values on their bodies and respect ''the power of their p-u-s-s-y''.
I largely agree that many of us wind up dancing to our own degradation, whether in the club or the video - and that a few women go farther than I would in the way they dress and in their sexual choices, but does this article border on saying "its the HOES' own damn fault? Or is here a chicken & egg, action & reaction, cycle of abuse & adaptation grounded in a deep seated and frequently recreational hatred of Blackwomen inside and outside the community? Are the strippers in “tip drill” really the center of the problem? Are we over-estimating their power of choice? I am not sure that all those women have the same freedoms to choose that I do. And I’m not just talking about financial constraints though that is certainly a factor.
This reader simply thinks that there is more to the issue than the very true fact that women who dress and / or behave like “hoes” do exist, and that we must be careful about translating that truth into blame. Otherwise, this line of analysis is no different than Don’ Imus’ buck- passing excuse that “rappers have been calling women bitches and hoes forever.” Now it’s not Imus fault because the rappers do it, and it’s not the rappers fault, because the industry does it, but is not the industry’s fault, because hoes are for real, and they wouldn’t have turned that way had their Blackmothers raised them right. Of course by hoes, only Blackwomen get implicated, despite the fact that we by no means are the only women involved in the behavior described in the article. Furthermore I wholly agree that we, as Blackwomen, as individuals and as a group, need to demand better for ourselves and that that demand can only be made by our behavior. However in the same breath, we must acknowledge that when a little Blackgirl – even one with a mom who sets a lovely example – learns from the world that she will not be celebrated for being smart, or being loyal, or pure; when she knows that she, like her mother, may never have the love – or even the admiration of a Blackman; when she observes that the rare public celebration of a Blackwoman’s beauty more often that not has to do with her backside, then it seems no surprise to me that she is likely to try to be use the only currency that seems to be universally accepted: sexuality.
I wrote this article to primarily discuss the role some women play in our degradation. I could write an entire novel on this subject and all of the factors that contribute to women being called hoes, but obviously kept it to a minimum. Strippers are NOT the root of the problem, rather a tiny percentage and an extreme example of women objectifying themselves FOR MONEY. You are giving away part of your self respect, dignity, and soul, to get paid. As for strippers not having the same freedoms as an "average" woman, that is also an entirely different subject and argument that I am not trying to explore. Of course every stripper has a unique reason for why they strip, everything from low self esteem, financial situation, or some that just straight up want to make thousands weekly. But this piece is not about strippers, again they are an extreme example.
I am also VERY aware of the role the media and society play in celebrating sexuality and the idea that "sex sells." I am affected by this every day of my life when men honk and yell obscene things out to me when I'm just walking my dog. I am saying that there are women in the world (I have seen plenty of them) that should know better and feed into it, making it worse for all women. These women should not be suprised when they are called hoes and they are "in the uniform." I'm not saying its deserved, it's just reality. It is our responsibility as women to be a good example to our youth; this behavior makes it even harder to raise kids (girls in particular) in an already morally corrupted world. The media these days influences kids these days even more than parents, but it is the responsibility of women in the media and on tv, to decide what is more important, getting paid or setting a healthy precedent for little girls. You can be sexy and classy at the same time...Women need to set boundaries for themselves that they will never cross, especially women in films and on television. I am NOT placing the blame on women. But at the same time, the world "teaching" them that they will not be celebrated for being smart should not give a woman an excuse to over-exploit her sexuality. Women's bodies are beautiful, but there is a way for that to be celebrated without being trashy and raunchy. The women who blatantly cross this fine line are the one's I'm addressing.
This is always such a complex topic and I always have trouble addressing it because it is so complex, but Nikki, I am so glad for your response. If I may add my two cents... Responsibility, social obligation, sense self-worth, and all of the things that constitute an empowered and respectable person must be first learned and then also reinforced. To say that, in the absence of these two very basic and essential things, there is somehow 'no excuse' for someone (anyone) to not know the right thing to do is like blaming black men for having such high incarceration rates or all poor people for being poor. There is just more to the story and it is often systematic/institutionalized by design.
To Simple Man and Tim, why is it that no one ever reduces a man's power to his sexual prowess? And I say reduce purposely, b/c that is exactly what it is. This line of thought is really at the core of the problem that Tamerri addresses in my opinion. If a woman is taught to view and use her body's pleasure-giving potential as a means to attain power, attention, money and "love"/"admiration" in this world, then that is precisely what she will do. Meanwhile, men (black men aside) are celebrated for their ability to maneuver and conquer in the public marketplace...intellect, financial gain, etc. This said, what i think is most productive, is not to try to determine who is or is not acting like a "hoe" b/c it serves only to give more power to the word. What I think we should focus on is the deconstruction of the social circumstances that cause a woman or any person, to not value themselves in our society. The root rather than the surface.
I agree with everything that Nikki and She said are saying, of course there is much more to the story. This is not a a piece to blame anyone, simply to suggest that we as women contain power in how we are viewed by the opposite sex.
Black men having such a high incarceration rate and poor people staying poor is absolutely a reflection of the unfair social, political, and economic injustices our men and people have faced in America. The powers that be in this country are not going to help black men get out of their situation. Racism is now concealed by the "we all are equal" speech that we get from the government, employers, and colleges. We as black people have to get into government, encourage our friends and family to get educated, get in the communities, etc. Educated and financially able black people need to set up the after school programs, donate books and computers, mentor young kids because the government obviously has no intention to do so for us. This does not excuse the system and institution from being unfair, we MUST continue to fight it. That being said, to expect the female-male double standard to change so that women do not have to use their bodies to attain power, money,and love, is comparable to expecting the government to help black people. There IS power in the "p-word," there always has been, and there always will be. Prostitution is one of the worlds oldest professions. So we as women have a responsibiity to "teach" and help each other have a higher respect for our bodies. WE are a part of society, we are a part of the "system" so we have power to help change the system. Just like we as black people (educated in particular) have power to fight the system and make an effort to help our own communities, before we can expect the unfair system to change.
She Said, I was being semi-facetious in my previous comment. I totally agree with you in regards to deconstructing the social circumstances. Tamerri's blog comes off like the women version of Bill Cosby's attack on black people, but I know one thing is for sure, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
I listened to Sheryl Lee Ralph be interviewed recently. They asked her, was there any particular role that she would have NEVER done or would NEVER do. She replied, "I vowed never to do a role that my mother and grandmother couldn't look at and say, that's my baby!" If you can't look at your sisters who "behave badly" with admiration, then check them. Same goes for men with regard to other men.
Okay so there is so much to be said and so little room to say it. First off I would like to change the definition of "hoe." Like many things in this generation, the slang changes, updates, republishes (yeah that is a bar word) the meaning. So a whore may be "a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet" but a hoe has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MENTALITY and nothing to do with sexual partners.
Let me clarify, you can have been with hundreds of men and be respected, respectful and if you go to the right church they might even call you chaste, depending on if your current mentality exudes respect, chastity or at the very least agency. On the other end of the spectrum you can be a virgin and if your mentality is "I am going to use sex as a weapon to advance my quotes" (as Jay Z would say) then maybe you are a ho. I say maybe because even if you are using sex as a weapon, if you are being explicit about it then there is simply less exploitation involved on both parties. I mean think about which is more exploitative the women who says "If you want to date (or sleep with) me you need to do xzy" or the one who says "I have 'standards' all the while maintaining that same xzy from the previous example as the rule." Now switch the gender which is more exploitative the dude that says "I am just trying to have fun... a buddy if you will." Or the dude that says "I am trying to be your everything" when in reality he is just trying to hit it. The points that I am trying to make here are that in 2007 being a ho has nothing to do with dress or sexual partners or even your professsion and everything to do with how you choose to exploit the situations and institutions you find yourself privy to. I mean just because you are a prostitute don't make you a hoe and just because you got a "good job" doesn't mean you are not a hoe. Also being a hoe is not gender specific, there are male hoes lots of them in fact. I will concede however that consequences of being a male hoe are different....although with the rise of educated and successful black women I can see there being a sharp rise in the hoe mentality among black men. The second thing I want to talk about is Don Imus. We let this dude off the hook too easy. If you listen to what he said, he called the women on the team "Nappy headed hoes." He was not calling them sexual objects who are strippers or streetwalkers. He was implying that they were overly masculine basketball players. In that sense what he said is VERY different from what hip hop (even the commercial stuff that we don't like) says. Imus was essentially calling those women monkeys or animals because they were dark skin and did not have hair like Paris Hilton. Hip hop (commercial as it maybe) says that these same women are attractive, beautiful and worthy of sexual attention. Now with that comes all of the negative imagery and uncomplicated exploitation of the black female body BUT (and this is the most controversial thing I have to say) it is nice to see for the first time ever in American pop culture that dark-skin full figured black women are finally being acknowledged as sexy. It is nice to see dark skin women with hips getting there Marilyn Monroe on. For all the negative stuff that our daughters and sisters are seeing, they are finally seeing themselves on TV. Finally, on clothing and dancing. Women I am going to have to tell on the dudes real quick. If a dude is looking at you like a piece of meat he is going to do that whether you are doing a two step or if you are backing it up and if a dude wants to whistle at you then he is going to whistle at you whether you are wearing a halter top and stilettos, a three piece suit or some sweats. So please stop basing the way dudes treat you in the club or on the street by what you wear or how you dance. Dress in what makes you comfortable and dance the way that makes you happy because most dudes are going to do their damnedest to exploit you regardless!!!!
greeeat topic. greaat article. hmm.. mixed feelings but I agreed with most of the article because the author is one of my closest friends. KIIIDDIng. I actually agree with it cuz it makes sense...objectification holding women back...VERY TRUE, BUUUT I do think there is a double standard around. Women should be CAREFUL of crossing the line a good reputation is hard to gain and easy to lose... ESP w/women who want ANY kind of economic or social power have to constantly walk this tightrope. I have been personally subjected to these situations in my work and its tough(but said no firmly). I would also NOT say what I wouldn't DO. Only bc EVERYone has a diff battle and struggle. Life changes when your circumstances do. Its best to NOT PUT yourself in silly circumstances so you are NOT subjected to adversities, objectification or ridicule. Great article by Tamerri Ater!!!!
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| Last Updated ( Tuesday, 07 August 2007 ) |
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