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Blogs Why Your Man Will Continue to DOG YOU OUT… by Drew Stewart (revisited)
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Blogs Why Your Man Will Continue to DOG YOU OUT… by Drew Stewart (revisited) | Why Your Man Will Continue to DOG YOU OUT… by Drew Stewart (revisited) |
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| Written by Drew Stewart | |
| Friday, 21 December 2007 | |
Last week, ImperiousEnt.com blogger Tamerri Ater shared an insightful piece that presented an age-old question dressed in new-age slang: “Men, Why Are You Acting So Brand New?” She wondered why men wait to reveal their “true colors” after women have invested so much time and energy into a relationship. She wondered “why men break women down and continue to humiliate them time and time again by sleeping around and disrespecting them in public.”
I submit that a man’s “true colors” don’t manifest themselves over night. They are there, hiding, all along. However, your power of discernment becomes clouded by a noxious layer of lust/love/infatuation. Admittedly, there are some issues that, even after decades of marriage, Superwoman would not be able to detect, but in most women’s cases there are multiple red flags lining the road to perdition. You didn’t think he’d change, did you? Too many women marry men expecting them to change and they don’t; too many men marry women expecting them not to change and they do. (Take a second to let that digest.) Or maybe you ignored them because you were too enamored with the thought of finally being with someone that you neglected to consider whether you were with the right one. The reason behind your man’s sudden “change” is relatively simple. Are you ready? Here it is. The number one reason your man has stopped doing the little sweet things he did to get you is the same reason your man is acting “brand new”, and it’s the same reason your man will continue to dog you out for years to come (Drum roll)….. It’s because you allow him to. Period. On dates, when he should be showering you with attention, you allow him to answer his cell phone and hold ten-minute-long conversations with his “boy” (hmmm). You allow him to continue a friendship with an ex even though you know it gets a little “too friendly” at times. You allow him to interrogate you every time he hears that you were out with a male friend. You allow him to grow more dependent every time you reach into your purse to pay before giving him the chance to offer. You allow him to disrespect you when you let him drive your car without insisting that he fill up the tank and when you allow him to dart through a door ahead of you. And worst of all, you allow him to come crawling back after he has strayed outside of your “committed relationship” (does this relationship label even mean anything in 2007?). The humiliation of being cheated on should only happen once, not “time and time again” as Ater described in her piece. Regrettably, you allow him to weasel his way out of answering the hard questions (if you even asked them) about painful memories and events from his childhood, his sexual history, his morals and values, and his faith in God. Despite the fact that he gives the shallowest, cliché answers to these inquiries, you still allow him free reign over two of God’s greatest gifts: your heart and your mind. (I won’t mention how you allow him to do whatever he pleases with your vagina. The rate at which women are serving up their bodies to strange men with no promises of fidelity could be the subject of another blog all by itself). I’ll stop here, but you get the point.
Comments
(20)
i really appreciate your peice on how a man treats a woman....its great to hear it finally coming from a man...all too often, women fall prey to harmful relationships and they think that they can change men when, chances are, thats not going to happen. ive been fortunate enough to never have been in such a situation because i pride myself on being a strong woman...my man would NEVER treat me any less than the queen that I am....believe it. i say this same thing to women i know ALL THE TIME......hopefully your blog touches someone who needs it. great job, friend!!! =)
Drew I love your blog :)
Drew...the men in my life, i.e. my daddy, pop pop, and uncles always told me that a man will only do what you allow him to do... That is something I always say to everyone!!
Love the blog.... The only thing i didn't agree w/ was "You teach people how to treat you." [Probably not a surprise I'm against the teaching! lol] There's a big gap between allowing yourself to be disrespected and going out of your way to teach a man how to act civilized. That's up to his parents -- not me!
i'll post a more thorough comment when the feds aren't monitoring me :-)
There is a fine distinction that needs to be made onthe point about TEACHING someone how to treat you. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to teach a grown ass manners and HOW to be respetful. I'm saying it's up to the woman to let him know that he needs to APPLY the manner and the respect he's been taught to show at ALL times or else she's bouncing!!!
hey- i just read your blog and i just wanted to say thanks because i think alot of women need to read that and im definitely glad i did. You never know how words might touch on any given day and you never know what you needed to hear.
glad to have decided to be goddess... thanks
Fantastic article. It's not that the ideas expressed were so novel or anything (but don't get me wrong--you were right on). Rather, it was just the way you articulated it so eloquently that made it really outstanding. It's funny, because I'm always presenting the same ideas to people who keep coming to me for advice, particularly in the relationship area. I'm seriously about to just bookmark this joint and give people the url ... no need in both of us saying it lol. Very insightful and well put...keep up the good work.
Nice read Drew Stew (as always)...I agree with you for the most part & I am happy to say I've known this for quite sometime. Hopefully it will enlighten others (including men)....
-c
Sometimes its as simple as Project Pat and Three 6 Mafia articulated it so eloquently. "She don't want to be saved!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGobXsmPx78
Simple Man has a good point... I strongly believe some women like to be treated badly cuz it adds drama and "excitment" to a relationship.
DREW....I read your blog. It about time a MAN come forward. I'm glad i did !!!!! ( it the true)
i have mixed feelings about this article, drew. on the one hand, what you're saying goes for both sexes and i agree. there are plenty of men and women out there who allow themselves to be treated badly, all the while hoping that the person will change. on the other hand, u still have to indict the "dog." just because u are with someone who allows you to mistreat them, that doesn't mean you should. neither person will ever be happy.
every cheating man that i know seems to be in a relationship with someone who could probably never really make him happy. he's settling for something easy and reliable. in the meanwhile, he's dissatisfied and seeks gratification in other conquests, and she's suspicious (usually women know when they're being cheated on) which wreaks havoc on the relationship. neither person wants to be alone. both are unhappy. so if men were more honest about how they really felt (and if women expected more, of course) then everybody could live better.
i agree completely with everything you said in this article. i think the problem with women is they are afraid to be alone. we are told in some way or another from when we are little that one of our purposes in life is to get married and procreate. when we enter college we are told this is prime time to find a man. when we graduate, we are told that its all downhill from here...it will be harder to find a man the older we get. i went to my little brothers high school graduation in june and i ran into an old teacher of mine. i told him i was graduating early from my masters program at UCLA, wrote 2 books, and travel the world. all that came out of his mouth was "so have you found someone special yet? no, well women are getting married later these days anyway" (i am only 23!). or a few weeks ago when i told one of my best friend that i wanted my brother to hang around the medical and law school at howard university (where he will be attending) she quickly said "oh! so he can find you a man right?", when actually my intentions are to turn him on to graduate school. anyway, my point is...why has it never been okay for a woman to be alone? why does being a women entail being with a man? that, to me is the issue here. i, for one, am so tired of people thinking there is something wrong with me because i have not settled down. thats just it...i dont want and will not SETTLE. women are looked down upon if they do not want to get married or have children. and so, to avoid that, many women settle for a man they know isnt right for them but are too afriad to "be alone". i have friends who have been in abusive relationships, cheating men, lying men, and just not the right one, but they all think they are better off because they are not alone.
as an outcast of society and even my family because i dont think about marriage 24/7 and not really sure if i want to have children...i will wait for the king who will treat me nothing less than the queen i am. and if that happens when im 40, that doesnt scare me. more women, in my opinion...need to adhere to that ideology... ps...above the above comment...usually, from my experience and from the experiences of others around me...men are honest. or at least there are blatant signs that can be read. women just dont want to believe the truth. if a man tells you he isnt ready to be in a relationship, or he has infidelity problems, and you go around and "wife" him up and then get mad when he cheats...u are an idiot.
i meant that if men were more honest with THEMSELVES, then they wouldnt be with someone who could never make them happy, instead of being with them and treating them like dirt just so they won't be alone.
Jasmin, I like the way you think. I plan to raise my daughters to think about marriage the same way.
Wonderful article but.. it scary that it had to be said. Ladies let "NO ONE" use you as a doormat. I am probably older than the majority of you on this blog...from experience I have had men tell me my best atribute is my attitude. When disrespected I strike back like a hot poker (even in public) I am a lady 24/7 but you disrespect me in public and I will come down on you like a hammer...in public!!! I demand respect. I was a doormat when I was younger and it brought me nothing but pain sometimes physical . I made up my mind that I would never let any human ever treat me like a doormat as long as I have breath. The only person I or you have to answer to is God. Your man is not your God. And regarding stepping out .... a man has but, one time to do it to me and I am gone and let a man know up front. Ladies it is not only disrespectful but more importantly his actions could kill you. I am talking disease!!! Nowadays you can't take a chance on dying from some knuckle draggers infedelity. A man who must test evey woman he sees has some immature need to satisfy. Life is too short to waste on immature weaklings. Take a stand it is better to be alone doing bad than with someone feeling bad.
As a man who make a whole hearted attempt to treat women with the utmost respect, I compltely agree with Drew. Men only do what women allow them to do. One of the things that puzzled me the most is when a man cheats on a woman more than once and she takes him back. Once is honestly one too many in my opinion, but to err is human so once I can maybe understand. However, women don't complain when a man contiues to stray becasue if you continue to take him back he knows that he can essentially get away with it. Women all I would say hold yourself to a hgher standard and trust me the right man will me that standard.
 written by Bari , August 14, 2007
I agree with much of what you are saying here, Drew. However the following made me lose you a little:
"I won’t mention how you allow him to do whatever he pleases with your vagina. The rate at which women are serving up their bodies to strange men with no promises of fidelity could be the subject of another blog all by itself." I'm all for that sentiment...as long as you are ALSO willing to apply it to brothers. Now, I'm a married woman with less than two hands worth of sexual partners, but you can't tell me that these women out here are sexing themselves. The men are giving up their bodies (and sperm and penchant for "Ron Mexico'-like disease spreading) to 'strange woman' just as quickly. Just because they may not *WANT* fidelity doesn't make their actions any less questionable.
Chicks these days have lost all sense of the term "stardards"...or have lowered them, or something! If you set your standards high enough you won't EVER have to deal with the B.S. these men try to do to you. Men have their own way of testing their limits with their significant other. When a man sees that he can get away with certain things without any serious consequences, he'll keep doing it. Woman need to nip things in the bud EARLY so that these things never reoccur. And if the thing he did is utterly disrespectful and intolerable, keep it moving to the next one. Otherwise you then become that "doormat." There are too many men out here to be STUCK with the "one with the nice car" or the "most popular guy on campus" or "the one with the big ____" (Let's be real...lol) But seriously, get outta here with that. You have to set a standard for yourself and live and die by it, otherwise you'll be settling. I think (some) women have become too superficial rather than the focus on the character of a man. They get so caught up in how the guy looks, what he drives, how he dresses and how MUCH HE MAKES. They use these "assets" as compensatory factors. "He might cheat on me, but we look good together" or something DUMB like that! Life is tooooo short to be wasting your time with a "no good" man. You could be spending that time with someone worthwhile.
I was talking to a friend (an associate rather) about marriage one day and we were discussing her current boyfriend. I asked her, "If he ask you to marry him today what would you say?" Her response: "It depends on how big the rock is." I was DISGUSTED by her answer and we had a LONG conversation about that way of thinking. In this instance birds of a feather do NOT flock together! But this ideology is not uncommon amongst women today. I could go on and ON about how women sacrifice their own happiness to please a man or to keep up appearances. There isn't a "comment box" long enough to hold my thoughts! Anyway, to close, I would like to reiterate the fact that these standards have to be unfluctuating, non-negotiable, unyeilding, and of course impervious (shameless plug! lol) in order to be taken seriously as a woman. My thing is "treat me like a queen, I'll treat you like a king."
Drew,
I thought the blog was very well written. I agree that women are the one's to blame if they allow disrespectful behavior to become habitual. However, what you fail to mention is the fact that men need to begin to hold themselves accountable for the way in which they treat their women. It is not fair to say that it is always the woman's fault for staying with him, without noting that he should be treating her right all along. I see it as an excuse to blame the women for staying with him. This only allows the problem to rest solely on the woman. Women are constantly seen as the problem. I am just waiting for a man to step up and say, "You know what? We need to treat our women right, and then they would not have to sacrifice their standards for "trying to make it work." Secondly, many Black women who do have standards, (I do not refer to them as high standards because I think they are the standards that anyone should expect) are often referred to as snobby. Or when they are around their boys she's talked about with remarks such as "she thinks she's too good" because she will not put up with his disrespect. So then you have the men settling for women with lower standards and treating them like trash, and not aiming for women with standards because they do not want to put in a little work. Well, I think I've said enough because it is all very complicated. I'm sure you get the point. In the meantime, in between time I'm still patiently waiting. Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.       |
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 21 December 2007 ) |
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