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Rhapsody Unfulfilled…The Difference Between Loving Companion and Ball-and-Chain by Carnell Jones

Written by Foresight
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Note: revisited article. We have a situation that some of us may know all too well… The storybook boy meets girl … Our two subjects become comfortable to the point that sharing secrets is no longer an issue, like it almost happens on accident. Life is good, or so it would seem. Time passes, our subjects get older and the girl has become so enamored with this boy. She finds herself thinking about “one day when” - looking at girlfriend’s children, engagement rings, and other accoutrements of a future that she covets to share with this boy whom she loves. Conversely, the boy begins to feel like the girl is becoming too comfortable or involved in his life that was up to this point, all his own. His own friends, family, home, dog, are not becoming “theirs”. Advertisements Now, because of the relationship that has formed, he is constantly faced with the reality that the entire way that his life up to this point is at risk of irrevocable modification. Our male subject is set at a crossroads of sorts, does he A) willingly allow himself to fall deeper into this relationship with this woman or B) take a step back to think or even plan an exit strategy. Now the scene has been set. The general hypothesis must be presented “How is it easier for women to enter relationships than men?” Not a riddle that I intend to solve because if I could, it would be published, pressed on CD’s and DVD’s, and I would go on tour making ungodly amounts of money peddling the solution. The answer to this question is so multifaceted that one article could not suffice. But we can briefly explore three of the conditions that make this decision just a little tougher for the masculine. Societal Norms Generally speaking, ever since women were little girls, they have been tacitly taught in the ways of relationship maintenance. Women are conditioned to want to be in groups or cliques where emotional ties and attachments are encouraged and celebrated. For stereotypical example, little girls play with Baby Dolls and play games like “House” where the object is to simulate caring for a family and nurturing that sort of relationship…where little boys play football and knock the snot out of each other, such is our childhood training. As sort of a result of that conditioning, women generally want to be engaged in the sort of relationships that can facilitate the types of behaviors that were ingrained in them since their younger days. A societal measure of a woman’s success, even in modern times, is based on her ability to hold down a career, a man, her physique, and her sanity… I’m sure I’ve made my point. This is all in light of a young boy’s education to go out, get their fill of women, then settle down one day with the respectable one that he might not have given the time of day in his earlier years. Now whatever objections the reader may have to this dynamic, it is a norm that we must understand if we are going to further delve into the commitment issue. Lack of O2 Singles of both sexes are understandably in love with the freedom that relationship status brings. No need to tell anyone about your plans, basically living carefree. Enter the significant other. Now she wants to know where you are, who you’re with, when you’ll be back… updates you haven’t had to give since you borrowed your parents’ car to go out on a school night. Where the fairer sex might feel that wanting to know whet their man is doing is a sign of caring, guys see this nuisance as “checking up” on them and a sign of their woman’s mistrust… to paraphrase Chicago Rapper Common Sense – What happens to him happens to lots of men, falls deep in love and then he needs some Oxygen. Common It is a very difficult idea for a man to explain to a woman that is in love with him that space doesn’t mean that he wants to “play around”, but that the relationship that has formed was more than he bargained for at the time. The discomfort placed on the formerly single male by the relationship -seeking female is a result from pressure to enter into type of connection that he may neither want nor be prepared to enter into. If a man is going to be involved and devoted to one woman, that is a decision that he must make on his own… and there is NOTHING that a woman can or should to expedite that decision. "Sometimes I think I'm from another world/ When I'm trynna tell a woman just exactly where I stand that/ I want a girl, when I want a girl/ And when I don't want a girl, I want a girl who understands that" Phonte – Little Brother The Next Best Thing Men, by nature, have always been the hunters and conquerors of our species. Although it may be cold to see relationships in a similar light as conquest, the masculine side of us all leads us to operate in this way. A man might not even be trying to “Sow His Royal Oats”, but just wants to have the option open, should the right situation present itself. If you think about it, it is a lot easier for a good man to find a good woman than the opposite. A woman finds a good man and holds on for dear life because she doesn’t know when the next one might come her way. Women are also more aggressive towards finding a man the older they get. A saying that this writer has heard goes “an older man is distinguished, and older woman is just old.” The older single man can go and find an abundance of young women that would be happy to be with them, where this is not nearly as often an occurrence for the older woman. This leaves good men with lots of opportunities to “upgrade” to a partner with more potential than the one that he may already have. The fear of missing out on the next great one while still in a relationship with the last one is a frightening idea for the good man. The thinking, then, would be that as long as that “I’m single” door is left open, the latest model might walk into it fresh off the showroom floor. although this way of thinking will make room for several more-than-worthy women to walk out of that man’s life, this is a lesson that can only be learned through experience. One day, he will realize what is going on and make the conscious decision to rethink his strategy and possibly even modify his way of thinking. Advertisements Whatever the reason may be to which attribute this aversion to devoted companionship, it is something that is not going to be figured out by any one single person or myself. Also, there is no clear-cut right and wrong side either. All we can do is try to understand why things are the way they are and how to maneuver to get your point across, man or woman, without being too cold or clingy. I suppose the results stemming from this case would lead this me to one set of observations, being that a man is going to be ready for a relationship when… HE’s READY. The best thing that a potential partner can do is to let him come to that decision on his own… any pressures from that prospective companion will only exacerbate the situation, even to the point of driving that good man away. This writer is far from and expert, but this is just one man’s opinion. - Escape Artist Comments (2) ... written by lady of the hour , August 16, 2007 SO true...hard to believe and live in this type of truth. I am myself, a woman of learned "communal" behavior. Don't blame the woman...blame the society. ... written by sabi , March 25, 2008 ? as a woman i have to say that i think you've oversimplified (possibly distorted?) the so-called "female perspective" in your appraisal of this situation. i don't know if that's your point-- maybe you're just trying to talk about why (some?) men have a difficult time making a commitment-- but if you're mainly trying to explain the guys' POV, it might be a good idea not to try to get into a woman's side of the story. (note: not all women--or men-- have the same perspective or feel the same way about relationships, etc.-- so naturally it's hard to try to pin down "where [group of people] are coming from" in situations like these.) i, for one, find commitment very difficult, for many of the reasons you cited regarding men's difficulty with it. it is hard to just be with one person when you can be with lots of others, sometimes you just want some space, etc. totally with you on that. i'd add as well that, as far as sex is concerned, it's hard because monogamy isn't really a natural tendency so much as a social ideal. even though I think it has lots of advantages over the alternatives, it requires a lot of energy to maintain. i think the real reason there is a difference between the ways men and women feel about it (at least, there seems to be based on how lots of folks in society discuss it) is because society gives men greater permission to pursue their sexual urges and desires than it gives women. (similarly, men have traditionally enjoyed way more latitude to pursue whatever other aspects of public and social life they find fulfilling than women have.) society is ok with male (hetero-) sexuality; it is still quite opposed to female sexuality, especially that which isn't harnessed solely for men's pleasure. if we lived in a society based on centuries of openness and acceptance of all forms of sexuality, and that granted men AND women the freedom to be openly sexual without being labeled, ostracized, and/or targeted for violence, i doubt we'd be having this conversation. at the very least, it wouldn't proceed as it typically does. maybe we'd be discussing how we all have trouble being "tied down"? Write comment Name Email Website Comment Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Last Updated ( Monday, 24 March 2008 )

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